Card Reading with Blue

I’ve been receiving teachings from my mustang Blue this past week. It’s like a 3 card spread. Past Influences, Present Challenge and Possible Outcome.
First, Past Influences; a few weeks ago he gave me a reflection on giving to get and doing only as much as you have to, in order to get the pressure off. I was asking him to walk with me by pushing from behind and he was giving me lots of push back then trotting off then trying all kinds of different locations as if looking for the solution. In the round pen, out of the round pen, in the dry corral, the gates were all open.

I have a huge history of trying really hard. I’ve tried hard to be a better person, to be whatever whoever needed, to be more spiritual, to be worthy, to fulfill my purpose. It was a survival based, adrenal and anxiety driven race to burnout and flatline til recovery existence. Mostly, I just wanted to get it all done so I could just STOP.
Present Challenges manifest as him getting himself hung up over a fence. He broke the top rail, lifted his front end over and then was stuck with the next rail up to his belly. He can’t go forward and he can’t go back. He’s done this before. He stands quietly waiting for help and then stays perfectly still while I tear the fence out from under him and bounces off happily when I ask him to move.

It’s an interesting sequence of being committed enough to break the top rail and lift his front end onto the fence but not motivated enough to jump it properly once he has it lowered.  So I’m asking these questions and my current answers are in brackets.

1. What am I really committed to?(Creating a collaborative, sustainable, balanced way of living and working that fulfills me financially, personally and at the same time serves my relationships.)
2. Where am I lacking motivation?(I’m in my happy place and I’m reluctant to step further into my power.)
3. What “fence” am I on?(I feel like I’m in the space between surviving and thriving. I’m somewhere between powerless and powerful.)
4. Who do I need to help me?(Divine Mother)
5. How do I know when to move forward?(When I am clear about the direction.)

I’ve been sitting on the homemaker fence here, being, listening and learning. I have self determination with regards to my time and effort. I’m noticing my partner financially supporting me and believing him when he tells me he has no plans to kick me to the curb for not earning significant income. I check every once in a while.

I raised my daughter to maturity here in this safety, this warmth, this context of unconditional love that I had yet to experience in this lifetime. I’ve healed hugely, recovered to some extent and wore myself out in others and re-created myself, my work, nurtured incredibly authentic, mutually empowering relationships and am having a whole new, beautiful experience of life. My daughter has fledged and I think my turn is coming too.

I’m also aware that having accomplished the 17 year project that is my daughter, I want to celebrate and integrate for a time. So much of my empty nest process is healing the trauma I incurred leaving mine at such a young age with no support and I’m aware that I am still supporting her in many ways even though she no longer lives with us.

I’m also challenged, in terms of leaping into action by hot flashes and the energy flux that is menopause. Horses are great at energy conservation for true emergencies, we call it “lazy”. I functioned on the edge of exhaustion until I burnt out in my 20’s. I’ve backed off from that edge but despite constantly feeling a couple of shit sleeps or one big heroic effort or trauma away from it, I can still judge myself “lazy.

Lastly, to explore Potential Outcome I went out to Blue, and without using a rope or halter brought him out of the herd and hayfield, across the road, into the yard and jumped him over the remainder of the fence on which he got stuck. Then we proceeded to work towards connection through movement. He tried the minimum of push back I think he’s ever tried and settled into a nice energetic connection with less than his usual concern about direction but every time I stopped he turned to face me. I had to work to get him moving again. So I started moving him off and asking for stop without dropping the forward or letting him turn in.

I used to pour all my energy into him like a flashlight beam from my bellybutton and instead I started imagining a wider river of energy ahead of me with a tributary into him so I could push forward and into him and give him something to follow at the same time. Interesting. Totally different experience. He relaxed and we were able to stop and go with clarity and straightness. We did in the end partner walk which is an unusual offering from him. We could stop go and back with syncopation and a beautiful, palpable elastic connection.

This provides me with a bit of a solution in terms of integrating more forward into my stops. In my survival mindset my goal was always to get things done so I could do nothing. Now I rarely do nothing. I move between productivity and rest and relaxation quite freely and readily. I have had 2 friends in the past week talk about this, one in terms of “self carriage” and the other in terms of not slipping into inertia. So I’m open to more input on where my rests might be more like full stops than pauses. It makes sense to me that full stops are costly in terms of lost momentum.

Blue is always in a state of “self carriage”, he lifts himself so naturally and beautifully and can always move in any direction with all his energy available to him. Freya and I have been consciously working on ours and I can see how we don’t let ourselves fall as far back as we have in the past. So I’ll also keep working on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual practices that keep me “up”.

The last session, or Potential Outcome was in many ways a lovely reflection of where I am now. I am able to engage in the Process without much attachment to outcome and feel the connection of synchronicity and universal flow. I can move out of genuine motivation, without efforting, in an energetically and physically sustainable and responsive way. I want to do more in relationship and really attend to my singularity, simultaneously. I am really excited to collaborate on projects so I can mine out my habits of competition. I want to embody my power like Marion Woodman and revel in my strength and self regard like Pippi Longstocking.

So I will practice understanding when I’m back in my old way of being, compassion when I realize I’m in it up to my belly and keep my eye on Divine Mother as she pries down the first rail. I will practice receiving as she pulls out the nail holding the next one and I will practice patience until she gives me the signal to move on. Then I’ll dance clear of the wreckage until I find myself in its midst again.