The Velcro of Dominance

Yesterday, I challenged myself with Nikitta, on my default to dominance. Thanks to Linda Kohanov’s book “The 5 Roles of the Master Herder” I am learning to differentiate between the roles in order to choose more consciously(Dominant, Nurturer/Companion, Leader, Predator and Sentinel). Her theory about the 5 roles she has identified are bringing me greater clarity and understanding in my leadership. Here’s how it played out “in the field”.

Earlier, I’d velcro’ed a boot onto Nikitta’s leg and turned her out with it on. It was an attempt to both support her pastern and bring her greater awareness of that part of her body. It may or may not make sense but it isn’t particularly relevant to the story. It wasn’t until after I put it on her that I realized she’s probably never had one on before. She was doing a silly walk with some showgirl kicks thrown in as she departed.

So, I guess it isn’t all that surprising that when I walked through the field with my dad and my dog thinking to take it off for her on my way through, that it took a little longer than I’d anticipated, especially since I didn’t have a halter with me. She made an irritated attempt to kick it off as I approached. I walked right up, gave her a rub on the shoulder, and one big velcro ripping sound later she kicked again. It turned into a bit of a tug of war with me pulling on the velcro and her trying to kick off the boot.

She wasn’t really trying to kick me, she was just kicking and I kept trying to get the velcro undone but with all the movement it was getting re-stuck as fast as it was getting un-stuck. Around then, my concern for my own well-being arose and my default to dominance kicked in.  I sternly told her to stand still and cuffed her on the leg.  It worked perfectly. She yielded to my pressure instantaneously and trotted off with her boot flopping.

Dominance is great for creating yield! Halters are great for creating halt. I’m reflecting now on how often I’ve relied on the fact that I have their head on a rope while I’ve tried to get them to trust me using dominance. It must be so confusing for them. “I want to leave, I’m trying to leave, if you’d just let go of my head, I’d be out of here so fast…” Meanwhile, I’m saying threateningly, “just hold still, let me do this thing you’re finding irritating or scary!” Dominance alone, is too oppositional to get someone to trust you enough to let you do something they find uncomfortable or worrisome.

My defensive, dominant reaction put me back in a place I hadn’t been in a long time. I was attempting to “walk a horse down” in a 30 acre hayfield. I haven’t had to chase a horse for ages. There was no way she was letting me within 20 feet of her and rightly so. She’d stop when I got in position to block her and move off again when I approached. She’d trusted me enough to let me mess with the annoying thing stuck on her leg, while it made loud ripping sounds and what had she got for her efforts? a reprimand.

We live in a culture of immature dominance. Authority rules and dominance and predation enforce that authority. Take a look at the Dakota Pipeline to see it in action.  Here’s a great interview where Linda explains Donald Trump as the poster child of someone over-using  dominant and predatory roles . So OF COURSE it’s my default when I can’t get what I want, especially if I’m scared or angry. The trick is to only use it when it is effective. I can’t be around horses and not use dominance. They will if I won’t and they’ll lead if I don’t. I don’t need to not use this tool, I need to use it wisely, consciously, effectively and then put it down.

I won’t’ mention how long it took me to clue in that I was using the wrong tool to fix the problem. Eventually, instead of cutting her out from the other horses to get her to stop, I started cutting her toward her buddy Blue. If I wanted her to relax and let me approach, I needed to provide support and comfort, not the added pressure isolation brings. I also needed to change my role and not look like a lead mare sending her out of the herd if I wanted to get close.

So I let her relax beside Blue and petted him so we’d generate some oxytocin we could share to bump up tend and befriend energy. This is the “companion/nurturer” role. It Worked! I was now petting her. So I petted and walked off and petted and walked off a few times to reinforce what I wanted. I wanted to be able to approach her again, and again. I wasn’t at all confident that I would be able to remove the boot in one try. That could be perceived as the “sentinel” role, the ability to see the “big picture”.

Now it was a matter of self control, not getting fixated on the damn boot and my goal and waiting patiently for “the window to open”. She had to let go of her concern about me touching the thing on her leg before I was going to be able to get it off. Now it was a matter of desensitizing her to my being in the position I needed to be in to get at the boot safely. She was already presenting it to me but in such a way that I was directly in the “line of fire” if she started kicking again. We negotiated.

Eventually we were back to where we started with me trying to get the velcro undone and keep it undone while she flailed her leg around. Velcro isn’t the only thing with stickum, by golly! Poor thing was practically doing the splits by the time the boot let go but I was still firmly attached! And she didn’t once try to leave and stuck around to celebrate.

The best part though, was having my patiently waiting dad tell me he thought I had the “patience of Job”, or certainly more patience than he has. I don’t know about that. He was just standing around waiting while I was trying to get something done. I’m not that patient!