Slap and Be Herd!

The “pussy grabbing” thing is getting to me. It’s not about Trump. He’s not the first asshole in a position of power and “public trust”, demonstrating sexually predatory behaviour. I’m pissed because I’m remembering my first experience of “pussy grabbing” when I was 13. I’m angry because I’m noticing I have just accepted that it happens. Now I am outraged that I came to accept that it happens.

My “first time”, I was playing after school at the local toboggan hill. It was a bunch of the boys and girls from my class. The boys started chasing one girl at a time, pulling them to the ground and groping their crotches while they had them pinned. I remember watching them and trying to figure out what they were doing. There was a furtive, wrongness to it. I must have asked and found out cause when they came for me, I fought off the ones I couldn’t outrun. I say with all pride that they weren’t able to pull me down, let alone grope me. At the time I was more confused and scared than anything else though.

Unsurprisingly, they were not impressed. The boys and the girls together, shamed me for fighting back, told me not to make such a big deal of it.

IT IS A BIG DEAL! It is a sexually predatory act of violence! If we’ll accept that then where exactly will we draw the line?  It is also done for the benefit of an audience, like bullying. Part of the point seems to be to do it in front of other men and women, or at least in a public place, thus adding to the prowess of the perpetrator and the humiliation and vulnerability of the victim.

When I am physically attacked by a horse, my body takes over. It “thwacks” as hard as it can with whatever it has. I am giving the credit to my body because my mind has nothing to do with it. There is no thought process involved in this action. It’s interesting that it consistently has a beaver-tail-slap sound element to it as well as the physical strike. Even more intriguing is that it instantaneously ends the physical escalation and brings about what appears to be “contrition” in the horse.  I think there is an energetic aspect to it that you can’t reproduce intentionally.

The reaction itself feels instinctual and requires no practice. What it does require is a lack of suppression. I’m not sure whether you don’t have to work to get it back after you’ve suppressed it. When we learn not to hit, not to fight back or defend ourselves, we lose something vital. When our fight is taken from us we’re left feeling more powerless, with only freeze or flee to choose from.

The lesson I learned that day at the toboggan hill is that when someone or a group of people sexually attacks you in a public place, you can’t expect to be protected by others, let alone be supported for protecting yourself. This is a physical law on the patriarchal landscape. Physical violence is the domain of the oppressors.

Over time, I have intentionally dumped coffees and beers in the laps of men I was serving in bars and restaurants. It wasn’t spontaneous, or instinctual, it was a decision, a “logical consequence” to my mind and a salve for my wounded dignity and violated body. It just felt like a line I couldn’t let them cross without causing them discomfort. In terms of the support of people witnessing the assaults, the most I can say is that the other men laughed at them when I did it and I only got fired once. It’s not saying much, is it?

What I wish for is a world where women and people who love women are “herd”. With horses, when a herd member is displaying inappropriate behaviour, they are driven off to experience life as an “isolated grazer”. Without the protection of the herd you are a 1000lb banquet waiting to happen and you can feel the threat of it’s coming. Horses also run together to drive off predators.

On the toboggan hill that day, I realized that as a female, I was an “isolated grazer”, even within my own herd of classmates. I’m not sure that particular emotional coin dropping wasn’t even more traumatic than the sexual assault aspect.

Let’s turn it around, people. Instead of living in some kind of sick, reversal, nightmare of a culture where the person who exhibits healthy self care and defensive reflexes gets isolated and pushed out of the fold; let’s reclaim our own ability to create safety for ourselves and each other.

So here’s my plan. Let every sexual assault be answered by an instinctual, resounding, slap with all the power you have. Whether you witness it or experience it, let your hand fly free. Let that sound be “call to action” to all women and supporters of women in the immediate area. Let them go to her, stand beside her and help her herd the offender off. It’s not new, women of old were expected to slap men who acted dishonourably. We need to free up our ability to fight back, take responsibility for creating our own safety and thereby contribute to the safety of others.

I think we’ll need practice. Someone design a game like “whack a mole” called “Slap the Asshole!”. Let’s have practice drills! When we here a singular clapping sound we’ll all run to the source and assume defensive positions, assign a police caller and identify the nearest exit. Then we can collectively herd the offender out, congratulate ourselves, sing a healing song and celebrate the creation of safety for women, one restorative experience at a time. Just imagine if boys got to see this happening in public places to men, or got to take part in it with women they love. We’ll call it the Slap and Be Herd strategy for women to reclaim their dignity from the hands of power-bloated, misogynist men.