Panther Bows to My Vulnerability

I’m in Arizona having just completed my Power of the Herd Instructor update at Eponaquest with Linda Kohanov. I was excited to get to work with Panther again in the round pen. We were practicing an active round pen exercise called, Embodying the Goal.

In Embodying the Goal you practice visualizing the goal and gathering information from both your body and the horse about how to accomplish the goal together. It’s an exercise in intersubjectivity, practicing staying present with yourself, the horse and your goal and attending to the relationship or process you’re having over achieving the goal.

The interesting part happened when I was “processing” my experience outside the round pen. I was feeling particularly vulnerable and close to tears. The facilitator inquired about it and her inquiry prompted me to reflect on my patterns or habits around my vulnerability. I can puke vulnerability to maintain engagement when my attachment or abandonment issues get triggered. When I am afraid I’m losing connection, I”ll emotionally and verbally share what’s happening for me to get the other person to stay engaged. I can also use vulnerability to gain approval and positive regard in personal development contexts. I was trying to negotiate why I was experiencing it the way I was in that moment(really uncomfortably) and whether I was so uncomfortable because I was doing something “wrong” or whether there was just something “wrong” with me that I feel it so strongly. Then I caught myself pathologizing myself this way. I had been really happy about not second guessing my round pen experience and now I was doing it outside the pen. I also reflected that vulnerability and discomfort do go hand in hand, and that I was attaching to an idea that over time, vulnerability should feel more comfortable, which isn’t how it works. Finally, I was just sitting in wondering whether I should share or not, even when it is safe.

The whole time I’m talking about all this stuff, Panther has my back. She is standing right behind me as close as she can get with her in the pen and me outside it, oriented straight toward me and paying close attention. Several of the facilitators were chipping in with information about self regulation and making sure it was safe to share, when Helen Russell my dear friend and Eponaquest sister piped up. “I have no idea what it means or who it’s for, it could be relevant or not, but I keep getting the word “transparency”. As I took this in and reflected on it, the tears started to flow. It became really clear to me how strongly I yearn for transparency. I need it. I’m not even attached to it being reciprocated. I have such a clear and compelling desire to express it. As this release and awakening was occurring, I was verbalizing it and Panther went into motion behind me. She was “bowing” in the downward dog yoga pose and simultaneously banging her right front hoof on the panel rails like a judge with a gavel. It created quite a stir in myself and the group of facilitators. I made up this story about it; she was honouring me, by bowing to me in this moment of insight or clarity and clapping or shouting her agreement by banging on the rails.

One of my gifts is my vulnerability. I have a strong orientation, almost compulsion for truth telling about my self and my process. I’ll remember this experience with Panther and her emphatic support of my orientation to self revelation and not put the suffering of second guessing myself on top of the already excruciating experience of risking vulnerability.

I have learned that if I don’t reveal my truth that I feel ashamed of that piece of myself. I think it was Brene Brown who stated so beautifully and baldly, “secrets feed shame”. Either I take the risk and reveal or I feel that I’ve abandoned myself in that place in order to be accepted. I acknowledge a caviate here, that I do evaluate whether it is “safe” to do so before I do. I don’t throw myself under the bus to be righteously vulnerable or accepted. If I judge that my vulnerability might be too much for someone or the environment feels hostile in any way, then I tell a friend about it later and let myself have the experience of being loved in it. If I’ve erred in my judgement and someone gets uncomfortable after the fact, I feel compassion. I acknowledge my actions, apologize and stop. That doesn’t feel bad at all anymore. It feels respectful.

I really, really wish that I was that perfect person who looks great, always says the right thing, is beautifully competent and confident and has all kinds of great information to share from a position of perfectly self regulated power and presence. I can own my moments of that, but those moments don’t make an identity. What it looks like for me is fumbling toward self embodiment through outing myself as an approval whore(credit for this lovely term goes to Martha Beck), shit disturber, insecure fumbler and agent provocateur of the unsavory. I am learning to balance it with acknowledging my beauty, intelligence, strength and ability, particularly with regards to practicing vulnerability. Its kind of like being able to expel air out both end with equal alacrity, sometimes its singing and sometimes its farting, I don’t always get to decide which end it goes to, but I can hold at both ends if I have to, or sing a little more when I’ve farted too much.

The message behind the feeling of vulnerability according to the Emotional Message Chart we use at Eponaquest is “Something significant is about to change or be revealed”. It informs of an internal threat to self image, beliefs or comfortable habits. I feel like “my gift” was revealed to me through this experience and I’ll remember it next time I start second guessing myself for it. Thanks Panther and everyone else who contributed to me having this experience.